


bring our boy home

by luminoussbeings



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cisco Centric, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, takes place during 4.01 The Flash Reborn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 17:19:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12347136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminoussbeings/pseuds/luminoussbeings
Summary: “You love him, don't you,” she says quietly.It's not a question, so Cisco doesn't answer, just looks up at her from tear-stained cheeks.





	bring our boy home

“I’ve got a lock on something!” Caitlin calls.

Cisco keeps his grip fixed to the speedforce bazooka, his hands skipping and rattling against the quaking frame. A few meters away, the quarksphere gapes, crackling with storms and thrumming with an energy he can feel under his skin. And inside— something tugs at his gut and he knows, he just _knows_ that it’s Barry, that Barry’s _coming home_ , that Barry’s _free_ and it was him— _Cisco_ —who saved him. 

_I can’t believe this is actually working,_ he marvels, and the six-month-old knot in his chest finally loosens. _Barry’s coming home._

“Now, Cisco!” Caitlin shouts. 

As his finger wraps around the trigger, he hesitates, just for an instant, just long enough to realize that this is his last shot. The small, cowardly part of him wants to live in this moment—so full of hope—forever, because if this fails, then he’ll have _nothing_ left, no hope, no ideas, no— _It’ll work. It has to._

He pulls the trigger. A brilliant, shining, cosmic rivulet of energy threads and spreads into the air and he lets out a whoop, heart soaring until — _No_. 

It blinks out of reality. Vanishes. 

Just.... gone.

Behind him, Joe sucks in a breath and Caitlin makes a noise like a mouse being stepped on.

Gone.

 _Failed_. 

The wind tears through his hair and scrapes his cheeks, but he can’t move, can’t turn away. Can’t do anything but stare out at the ordinary stretch of pavement and will the speedforce to come back. _Barry_ to come back. 

_Failed_.

Heels snap and scrape on pavement. Iris.

He forces his eyes away from the empty air and looks at her, looks at them. 

Joe’s gaze is on the ground, but his eyes are dry. Wally shifts his weight from foot to foot. Caitlin just looks at Cisco, her gaze full of sympathy. 

He has a vague idea that they might be talking. To him, to her; he doesn’t know or care. All he knows—all that _exists_ —is Iris. Iris, with her arms folded over that white blouse and her hair tousled in the wind and that empty disappointment in her eyes as she shakes her head at him. Iris. _Iris Iris Iris Iris._ Iris and Barry. Barry and Iris. Barry gone and lost and it’s Cisco’s fault. Iris standing there like a skeleton looking at him with those dull empty eyes. 

His breathing shallows, blackness pushing into the edge of his vision. It’s too much. Too much. 

He takes his goggles from his pocket and shoves them roughly over his eyes. He thinks, _Away_ , and steps into the breach, not caring where it takes him as long as it’s far from here.  
______

He tumbles out into his Star Labs workshop. That’s fine, he supposes. There’s plenty to distract him. He picks up a prototype he’d been working on, turning it over in his hands. Over and over.

A piece chips off. 

( _Failed_.)

He takes a deep breath and hurls the device across the room. It smashes against the wall and he grabs another, lobbing it forward and closing his eyes as it splinters and crashes. Junk. All of it. He’s reaching for another when something catches his wrist. 

He jerks around. Iris. 

“How the hell did you get here so fast?” 

Iris opens her mouth to answer, but Cisco beats her to it.

“Right. Speedster brother.”

“Cisco, put down the activator,” she says evenly.

“Why?” He pulls free of her grip and tosses the device from hand to hand. “It won’t work anyway.” Agitation creeps into his voice, his hands shaking feverishly. “Oh, you _think_ it’ll work, you _hope_ it’ll work, you _convince_ _yourself_ it’ll work, but in the end, nothing. _Nothing_!” He smashes it on the cement.

“ _Cisco_!” 

“BARRY IS DEAD.” He meets Iris’s eyes and recognizes the flash of hurt that slices through them with his words. He can't look at her. He can't look anywhere. His eyes rove wildly as his whole body shakes. “Or, if he’s not, he’s trapped forever in another dimension, his soul withering away for eternity and I’m—you’re— _I was supposed to save him!_ ” He sinks into a crouch, eyes fixing on his shaking palms. “I was supposed to save him,” he repeats, voice breaking.

Iris places a hand on his shoulder and he shrinks from her touch. “Cisco, you’re not…” She draws in a breath. “Look. I know a thing or two about self-blame, okay? And none of this was your fault. You did— _we all_ did—everything we could, and you know what? Sometimes, that’s all we can ask for.” 

She waits for a moment. Cisco doesn't speak, rocking on his heels. Back and forth and back and forth and back forth back forth. After a minute she continues.

“I know it's hard. But whether we like it or not, we have to accept that he's gone. The best thing we can do right now is honor his memory by protecting Central City. We need to focus on stopping the Samurai.” 

Cisco doesn't respond. He feels Iris’s eyes on him for a long time before she sighs and her heels clatter to the doorway. It's silent for long enough that he thinks she’s gone, until the heels slap once more against cement and she's right behind him.

“Cisco,” she says, softer this time. “I’m not sure I understand. These past six months—this _whole_ _time_ —you never gave up hope. Even when I did, when Dad did— you were always, not even hopeful, but _certain_. Like there was no doubt in your mind he was coming back.”

Cisco smiles thinly. “I guess some of us were better at lying to ourselves than others.”

The words sock him in the gut even as they leave his mouth. It turns out he’d been lying to himself about a lot of things, things he never even realized until they disappeared forever, leaving him to sift through the jagged shards of his feelings alone. 

Iris steps closer, until she's right in front of him, concern alight in her eyes. 

Maybe not _completely_ alone.

“You love him, don't you,” she says quietly.

It's not a question, so Cisco doesn't answer, just looks up at her from tear-stained cheeks.

She sits heavily, and he lets her take his hand and pull him down next to her. “How long?” she asks, holding his palm steady as it begins to shake again.

“I don't know,” he answers honestly. “Long enough. Maybe from the first day, it's hard to tell. I never let myself acknowledge it. Never even that I might be—  _like that_ ,” he stumbles, face contorting even with the euphemism. “I still don't— I don't know. All’s I know is that thinking about him makes me want to crawl out of my skin.”

He twists the fraying edge of his shirt and looks at her desperately. “And sometimes I dream about, y’know, if he came back— and it's stupid, but in my head I pull him down by the collar and I say _Barry Allen, don't you ever do anything like that again_ and then I kiss him. And he kisses me.”

He laughs mirthlessly. “See? Told you it was stupid. He— he’s not _like that_ , and he’s with _you_ , and it’s _your_ job to say that, and kiss him, and honestly I'd rather die than see you two break up and my brain is probably just pulling the old ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ thing and what does kissing mean anyway? I mean, sometimes you walk into the lab and your _lips_ and your _laugh_ and I have to stop myself from taking you in my arms and kissing you, and it's not like that means I like _you_ , do I?” 

Iris widens her eyes and Cisco suddenly realizes what he’s said. _Everything_ he's said. _Fuck_. What the hell’s wrong with him? These were things he planned to take to his grave. And now he’s gone and spilled everything just because Iris held his hand and sat close enough that he could smell her strawberry shampoo. 

Shit. “Maybe I _do_ like you,” he admits, as much to himself as to her.

“Um. Cisco, I…” 

He cringes and abruptly stands up, breaking away from her grasp. Stupid, stupid, _stupid—_ he fights the urge to clamp his hands over his ears and block out whatever she's going to say. 

“Cisco, listen to me,” she says fiercely, following him to her feet and taking both of his hands in hers. “I promise, there's absolutely _nothing_ wrong with you or what you're feeling. It's _normal_ , okay? It's natural. And I hope you know that there's nothing you could do that would ever make us love you less.” 

She looks him straight in the eye until he nods, and she breaks away, clearing her throat. “Um. As for the last thing you said…”

“Do me a favor and pretend that never happened, yeah?” Cisco keeps his tone joking, but he means every word. Him and his _stupid_ fucking mouth. 

“No, Cisco, it's not you—it's just— these past six months, I've barely allowed myself to feel _anything_. He told me to run, and that's what I've been doing— running from everything and everyone that would make me open up, because I was so terrified of what I’d feel if I did.” 

“I get it. Iris, you don't have to explain yourself to me; I never should've thrown something like that at you in the first place—”

“I guess what I'm trying to say,” Iris interrupts slowly, “is don't rule anything out. I just need— I need some time.”

“Of course. Of _course_ , I—”

“Hang on.” Iris slides her phone out of her pocket and holds it to her ear. A moment later she lets it clatter to the ground and clamps a hand on his arm. “ _Cisco_.” 

His heart thrums and his stomach twists and he doesn't dare to hope, just waits for her to say it. 

“Cisco— it’s _Barry_. He's _alive_.”

And then Cisco’s crushing her in a hug and her face is wet against his cheeks and strawberry fills his nose and he whispers, “Let's bring our boy home.” 


End file.
